August | 2016 | Mon Ange

Good Day, Beautiful People!

Three months ago, I attended a charity high tea, fundraiser for women suffered from domestic violence. It makes me ponder about real love.

Most young people will dream of having a lifetime of great romance, to find that someone special, the ultimate soulmate at some point. Unless someone has corrupted their minds to dream of that. Maybe someone has been living in the broken, fractured and dysfunctional family or environment for too long. It certainly become their norm. Psychologically and physically is damaging for anyone especially young children and youth that have no power to change their situation unless the adults rise up and make right decision and choices for the safety of the family.

Truly, you are enough! You don’t need someone to complete you. That is the Hollywood romance movies try to make us feel that way. You are complete, whole and a beautiful unique masterpiece created by your Creator. So never settled for second best. Your soulmate is to add value to your life, to love, treasure, cherish and protect you like Christ loves His Bride.

This is a good reminder for any single woman looking for love. Real love doesn’t hurt, a real man never hurts a woman. It is berserk to love somebody who hurt you constantly. Needless to say, is nutty as fruitcake to think someone who harms you loves you. Maybe is Stockholm Syndrome that the victims feel positive for the abusers. In most cases, they’re brain washed to the extent of protecting and defending the abusers.

6 Early Warning Signs of Abusive Relationship by Pamela Jacob.

1. He will romance you. He will buy you flowers and gifts. He will likely be the most romantic man you have ever met. He will pay attention to you and make you feel special and wanted. You may find yourself thinking that he is too good to be true — because he is. He needs you to trust him and develop feelings for him, because it is much easier to control someone who loves you. He will make you feel like you are his entire world — because he wants your world to revolve around him. Of course, just being romantic is not necessarily a sign of abuse. But, an abuser will often use these gifts and romance to distract you from other concerning behaviors, such as control and jealousy.

2. He will want to commit — quickly. He will say that it’s love at first sight, that you are made for each other, and that he can’t imagine his life without you. He will sweep you off your feet, and tell you he has never loved anyone this much. He will insist on being exclusive right away, and will likely want to move in together, or even get married, very quickly. He needs you to love him, and to belong to him. You may feel like the relationship is moving too quickly — trust your instincts.

3. He will want you all to himself. He will glare at other men for looking at you and question you about your male friends. You may think this jealousy is cute, or even loving — at first. But soon, he’ll make you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family. He will call or text you several times a day, and may accuse you of flirting or cheating. He will say he loves you so much, he can’t stand the thought of anyone else being near you. And soon, no one else will be. This is the beginning of isolation.

4. He will be very concerned about you. He may get upset if you don’t call him back right away or if you come home late. He will say it’s because he worries about you. He will start to question who you saw, where you went, and what you were doing. He will mask his control as concern for your well-being. He will start to make decisions for you — who you spend time with and where you go — and claim to know what’s best for you. Soon, you’ll be asking his approval for every decision. Your control over your own life will slip away, as his power and control grows.

5. He will be sweet and caring — sometimes. He will be the sweet, loving man who everyone else sees, and who you fell in love with. But, sometimes, he will become the man who puts you down, makes you feel guilty, and isolates you. He will make you believe that if you just did something differently, loved him more, or treated him better, he would be that sweet, loving man all the time. You will stay because of your hope for the man you love, but will spend most of your time being controlled by the man who hurts you. Eventually, you won’t be able to tell the difference.

6. He will play the victim. If he gets in trouble at work, it’s someone else’s fault. If he has a bad day, someone is out to get him. And if he is upset, he will blame you for his feelings and actions. He will expect you to make him happy and fulfilled — and when he’s not, he will blame you. He may apologize for yelling, putting you down, or hurting you, but will always find a way to make it your fault. He will say things like, “It’s just that I love you so much,” or “I wish you didn’t make me so crazy.” Eventually, he will blame you for making him hit you.

If these warning signs are happening in your relationship, even if he has not hit you (yet), this is abuse. Control, jealousy, and isolation are not love. And abusive behavior will not change — no matter how hard you try, or how much you love him. This man may seem like your dream come true, but soon, he will become your worst nightmare.

Tips on How to get out of Abusive Relationship by Roogirl.com

1. Recognize the Signs

The first step is to recognize the fact that you are in an abusive relationship. Denial is a strong force that can keep us in toxic situations far longer than is safe or necessary. You may feel that your partner is an overbearing jerk, but he’s not that bad. Until you acknowledge the behavior as abusive, you won’t be motivated to take action. Here are a few of the signs:

Controlling: takes charge of the household money; demands to know your whereabouts; threatens to leave or throw you out; forces you to socialize, even if you don’t feel like it; withholds affection or attention; tells you how to dress; makes sure that the one thing you want is exactly what you won’t get.

Isolation: causes a riff between you and your family; slowly makes you stop spending time with your friends; all of his friends are now your friends; doesn’t allow you to go places without him; withholds money so you can’t go anywhere.

Crazy-making: blames his mistakes on others; is a different person in public than he is at home; changes history (denies saying or doing something that you know he did); tells you you’re too sensitive; has unpredictable mood swings; twists your words and uses them against you.

Emotional: disrespectful to you; harms animals or things you love; rolls his eyes at you; humiliates you privately or in public; seems energized by fighting; says things that make you feel good but does things that make you feel bad; treats you like a sex object.

Physical: hitting; pushing; blocks you from leaving the room or house; holds you down; forces you to have sex.

If you are experiencing these things in your relationship, seek help immediately.

2. Disengage

Before preparing to leave your abusive partner, you need to regain some of your power. First of all don’t announce that you are leaving him. It will only make your situation escalate or he will act like the perfect partner for a while until he begins abusing you again. However, you can stop the pattern of: abuse, guilt, excuses, normal behavior, fantasy, set-up then back to abuse. Instead disengage when he tries to bait you into an argument.

3. Secretly Save Money

If your abusive partner controls finances, this can be difficult but not impossible. Get a post office box that any mail from the bank can use to send statements. If you don’t set up a secret account, find a place away from the house to hide your money. A few alternate places are a locker at work, with a trusted friend or a safe deposit box. If you receive your paycheck through direct deposit, have some of it go into a different account.

4. Get Help

Many women stay in abusive relationships because they are too embarrassed to tell their friends and family. If their partner acts like Mr. Perfect when he’s in public, they may feel that no one will believe them. Although your family and friends love you, you may have trouble believing it if you’ve been emotionally beaten down. You can also find help through online sites or local women’s shelters. This is not something you have to go through alone.

5. Get Documentation

This is a two-fold process. You want to get documented proof that you are being abused. If you are getting a divorce or have children it is imperative to prove to the court that your partner is abusive. Take pictures of any physical abuse; save any abusive messages or emails; keep a dated journal; talk to your doctor and call the authorities when he is abusive.

You also want to have copies of all your important documents and keep them safe. Once you leave, he’s not going to politely hand over your tax records, birth certificate and insurance information.

6. Pack a SHTF Bag

You want to have an emergency bag already packed and hidden in case the shit hits the fan and you need to get out in a hurry. Have clothes for you and your children, some but not all of your money, a key to the car and a spare cell phone. If you fear for your life and need to leave the house in a moment’s notice, you want to be prepared.

7. Have a Safe Word

Have a safe word in place with any people involved, including your children, that will let them know if you are ok in the moment or if it’s a “code red” situation.

8. Have a Place to Go

Know where you will be going when you leave. This may seem like an obvious thing, but when you are in the moment it may be difficult to think. You also don’t want to worry people involved in helping you if they find that you’re not at home or if they get a call from your soon-to-be-ex. If you’re planning to stay with a friend or family member, make sure you have a key to their home. If you are leaving during an emergency situation, you’ll need a way to get inside if they aren’t home.

9. Call for Back-up

If all goes according to plan and you have movers reserved to move your things, let the police know ahead of time. They will be there to make sure there isn’t any trouble. If your abusive partner somehow finds out, and shows up to stop you (which is illegal) it will be a good idea to have the police already there.

10. Call a Lock Smith

If you plan to stay in the home and kick out your partner, you will also need to have a rock solid plan in place. Most abused women find it safer and easier to relocate themselves instead of their abusive partner, but it can be done. If you have proper documentation of his ongoing abuse, you should be able to get a restraining order. Once he is out, call a lock smith and have all the locks changed. You may also want to have a security system installed or have the code and password changed on the existing one. Before making this choice, please get all of the professional advice you can pertaining to your specific situation.

11. Get a Restraining Order

Once you have left him, get a restraining order. You want to have documentation in place to be able to have him easily removed when he starts harassing you. Remember that this is not the time to feel relaxed. This is the most dangerous time. If he doesn’t come at you with escalated anger, he will come to you with hearts and flowers. They are equally dangerous. If he doesn’t harm you now he will harm you later if you choose to take him back. So, do what you can to cut all contact with him.

12. Take Time to Heal

Once you get out of an abusive relationship it is time to begin your recovery. Finding a therapist who specializes in domestic violence is always a good idea. You’re broken and will require help putting yourself back together. You may suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or depression. Don’t ignore this very important step. You won’t be completely out from under the abuse if it is still affecting you. You also don’t want to repeat the mistake of getting into a relationship with another abuser in the future. It will take time, but you will heal from your experience.

Making the decision to get out of an abusive relationship is extremely difficult. People must understand that women who are in the situation are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Although the term was first associated with kidnap victims, it also applies to women who are unable to leave abusive men. By changing the perception of the problem, perhaps more women can find the strength to leave and more people will be willing to help. If you are in an abusive relationship or suspect that someone you know may be do everything in your power to get the help you need.